I'm sorry to say this... but all the signs point to you being possessed by a powerful ancient demon. Not just your average Tuesday demon either—this one has been around since before Wi-Fi.
Fear not, though. There is a solution.
First, acquire one old priest and one young priest. This is absolutely essential. For reasons nobody fully understands, the ritual doesn't work with two middle-aged priests.
They must stand in a circle and chant an ancient incantation in Latin for several hours while dramatically sweating. The old priest, being old and only a few hit points from retirement anyway, must prepare for the ultimate heroic sacrifice: he bravely lures the demon into himself, delivers one final legendary speech, tells the young priest, "You know what to do...", and then perishes like a true cinematic hero.
The young priest walks away forever traumatized, the demon is defeated, and you immediately owe everyone involved at least a pizza and a lifetime supply of holy water.
If that doesn't work... call customer support.
